What happens when you follow logic… only to discover life doesn’t follow yours? One year, one unexpected journey, and one decision that flipped everything I believed on its head. After a detour that changed everything, I’ve come full circle—back to the same place, but as an entirely different person. This is the beginning of my story. About how losing direction became the greatest gift I never planned for.

As I sit on a random Thursday afternoon in the tranquil silence of what I could call my “second home” here in India, an overwhelming chaos of emotion floods through my being. It was just over a year ago today that I was sitting in this very location contemplating the years ahead of me. At the time, an anxious 18-year-old was not sure what to make of her life. Followed her head a little more than her heart because that seemed to be the safer, more logical option.

This story is about fear of the unknown future, loss, and intuition. Figuring out the formula to life when living it for the first time. And pushing yourself to follow your heart even when everyone around you is telling you to live by your brain.

Now I can safely say there was no logic to the way things turned out. 1 year may sound like no time, and indeed, it is, but you will be surprised by the amount of unfathomable experiences that can fit into such a short span of time. It can also be concluded that applying logic alone, especially to big life decisions, simply isn’t realistic since life doesn’t play by our rules. And it didn’t play much of a role in this story either, since sooner than anyone had expected, I returned right back to where I started, and that too as a completely different person than I was. I have come full circle, but not without a detour of a lifetime.

And if life can travel so far and be influenced so much in such a short span of time, imagine the amount of knowledge, growth and experiences one can acquire in a single lifetime.

Something that I have learnt is that the reason why logic doesn’t work when it comes to planning your future, whether tomorrow or 5 years from now, is that no matter how much you try to do the right thing, plan logically, and play safe, there is a large chance that life has an ulterior motive. And when your “seamless” plan doesn’t go well, all hell breaks loose in your mind. Life is falling apart through your eyes, whilst in reality, there are no rules to the game, and all you really have control over is your actions and decisions in the moment. You will only ever feel disappointed about your failed plans when you realise that life doesn’t play by your rules. The choices you make are in your control; there aren’t right and wrong ones, but that’s the fun part. Realise you’re a self-proclaimed artist, and you can be the creative director of your own life.

I realise only now that when it all began, I was more lost than I ever could have realised. This does not mean that I have found myself either; on the contrary, I’ve only been around for about 20 years. I continue to find out new things about myself, and my perspective changes all the time, and so will yours; it will keep changing till you breathe your last breath. With that being said, you may have a very strong point of view at this very moment; perhaps it is holding you back from an alternate life. Perhaps a week from now you’ll be doing something that goes against all the beliefs of your past self.

And as I sat on the edge of a dangling swing in my living room, sipping on my afternoon chai, I looked back at the last year and what had led me up to this exact moment. What was the catalyst to all that came?

How everything I believed in and my perspective on how the world works changed entirely and how one decision changed the course of my life drastically.

For a little back story, at the beginning of last year, on completing my senior secondary years of education, I had hoped that everything about what I may want to become, or rather the occupation I wanted to follow, would become clear to me. But when the time came, I was not enlightened at all; rather, I felt more confused than ever. Every time I was asked the dreadful question, “So, what do you want to study?” or “What do you want to become?” my mind was a black hole; the words flew straight through my mind. At the time I would have given anything to be able to know what I wanted to do for the rest of my life, like how my brother knew what he wanted to do when he was my age, an academically gifted child with a passion for building things, especially model aircraft. And then there was me, crying in a puddle of my own tears, overwhelmed by the paths I could take. How easy my life would have been, I thought, if I knew exactly what I wanted and how to get there.

Now, however, I know that what one wants to become and what one wants to do academically are two very different things, and the idea of not knowing what my life was going to look like was actually the greatest blessing I could’ve asked for, rather than the curse I thought it was at the time.

I’m sure you have felt lost at some point in your life, not entirely sure what is meant to be happening, scared of making the wrong life choices, or felt that the idea of college seems like 3-4 years of your life being sacrificed for a piece of legal document only to be able to apply to a secure job that you’re not even sure you want in the first place. In my case, that is exactly how I felt. But it didn’t take long before I felt the pressure of people around me to make a decision on this impending topic.

It is indeed true that in today’s world, in order to get a job, one almost always needs a degree to show for it (whether they look at it or not). So even though I used to tell myself I was pressured into the decision, I no longer blame people around me for encouraging me to take a decision which in the end will only benefit me; education is power. It was but the sense of urgency was overwhelming and all-engulfing, as I didn’t know what I was going to do next week, let alone for the “rest of my life” (yes, I thought your first job would stay the same forever). But at the end, I decided to take the “safer route”; the other would have been to try acting in Bollywood or upselling villas in my local town, which now, if I look back at it, I’m a bit extra grateful to my dad for tossing me out on a plane to get a degree (not literally). So thank you, Dad!

Another (rather large) detail that did encourage me to go to college was the need, the craving, for stability in life. I finally had an excuse to feel safe with a life decision, even though I felt it was partially being made for me. The reason for this need for stability is quite a substantial one; since the age of 6, I had been dragged across the continents constantly for one reason or another, health and education being the main ones. My dad is Dutch and my mom is Indian, yet I felt like a concoction of something in between. A whitewashed coconut. Not Indian enough to not be recognised as Indian, and not Dutch enough to be seen as European, instead I get asked: “Where are you ReeeaaaLy from?”

Moving back and forth from the Netherlands to India a total of 3 times by the age of 18 slowly diluted my sense of belonging over the years. Schools were switched frequently (8 to be exact), and so did the movement of people in and out of my life. This all subconsciously added to the spice of life, the source of my humour, aka, emotional trauma.

It was a lazy approach to it all, however, but I was biased towards a stable decision and convinced myself I was making the right one out of fear of ending up somewhere questionable at my own hands. To be fair, however, I was exhausted from the constant cycle and didn’t particularly care to meet new people. My social battery was in the negative and had been for a long time. I guess college would serve as a contradiction in that aspect. I preferred my own company to those that fed superficial conversation and spent most of my time by myself, happily in solitude and to a large extent, I still feel this way.

So as I convinced myself that I had no choice and the cycle of shifting my life across the globe was to continue, I decided to be perfectly delusional about this inevitable new life.

I must state in advance that I was and remain privileged to have access to quality education , to travel across the world from such a young age and I have no one but my parents to thank for it all.

Now that I think of it, none of what is to come would have happened without the resources I had access to through my parents. They played a huge role in the person I am today and were the key to opening all the doors to everything I got to experience in my life. They are not perfect, as no one is, but they gave me strength through being immensely supportive of me and (almost all) my questionable life decisions, and for that, I am eternally grateful to them.

So perceive this blog as you may, since I myself am not 100% sure of its purpose, other than to share my limited experience in life, some wisdom gained along the way and perhaps find people who can somewhat relate to these experiences.

Maybe you’re in a similar position, looking for inspiration for your own life, Maybe you’re lost as I once was (still am to some extent) and find peace in knowing you’re not alone, or

Maybe you’re using me to feel better about your own life decisions, which is… fair enough.